Each day after my gym sessions I have a cuppa with friends. Our cafe is at the quiet end of a large room that looks out over a swimming pool. By tradition, the other end serves as a meeting place both for children as they wait the few minutes before getting ready to swim, and for parents and teachers who accompany them and then stay to watch. The younger children are usually quiet and simply occupy space – and lots of it. There is more activity amongst those older and this blog is about two boys who were particularly boisterous.

After my quiet coffee, I often move down to what will later become the noisy end – I go there to wait for Rohan after her swim. Around a month ago, on a Friday to be  precise – I was sitting there by myself engrossed in homework when suddenly there was a hefty jolt to the back of my chair. The explanation was soon obvious – it had been hit by a child playing a chase game. Knowing that ‘accidents happen’ I did nothing. Soon it happened again and this time the jolt was much harder. I turned round and, not knowing who was to blame, told off all of those in a small group of ten-year old boys. I also told them that they should stop their game straight away – which they did! 

A week later, so on the following Friday – schools have their regular swimming slots – I was again reading in the room’s meeting end when a young woman came over and introduced herself. She explained that she was a teacher and that she had learned from a parent that in the previous week two of the boys in her class had hit my chair and she would like to apologise on behalf of the school. But there was more – the two boys had been identified and as they were here again this week they would like to apologise to me in person.

The two boys duly appeared accompanied by their teacher who stood by as, in turn and each with a very serious face, told me they were sorry for what they had done. I thanked them for apologising and I told them that thoughtlessly rushing around without any consideration for others, and even jolting someone without apologising, was not how any one should behave. Would they like that to happen to them when they were older?  As I spoke, while one boy was calm and attentive, the other’s cheeks began to redden as tears welled up in his eyes. Seeing his response, I stopped my admonishment. The teacher left with them, only to return a few moments later to thank me for what I had done. She told me how children of their age would never accept that sort of message from a teacher or parent – from someone like me it was just right and very helpful.

Despite the teacher’s thanks, I spent the next few days reliving the scene and feeling guilty. That I had made one of the boys cry seemed excessive, close to bullying and in many respects inexcusable. I thought first that I should apologise but that seemed wrong. Instead, I decided to turn the reprimand into a positive experience? Accordingly, I would try to meet them both again and introduce them to the idea of letting ‘bygones be bygones’. 

Knowing the school’s routine, next Friday I sought out the teacher and this time asked her if I might see the two boys – expressly to ‘make up’. They arrived one by one each clearly a little apprehensive. First I spoke with the more assured boy and I made a point of introducing myself as ‘Joe’ and of asking him his name – he was ‘Charlie’*. I explained about forgiving and said that as far as I was concerned his behaviour, although naughty, was now something of the past and forgotten. Then, with some solemnity we, as Joe and Charlie, shook hands and made up (see illustration).

Next it was the turn of the once-tearful boy. I repeated much the same words as I had said to Charlie and after exchanging names, it was the turn of Joe and Freddie* to formally shake hands and make up . 

Later the teacher returned and, to my surprise, repeated her thanks. Since then I have very much hoped that Freddie and Charlie would have learned from their experience and spread their new insight to others in their class. And, importantly I myself have benefitted; with my ‘bygones-be-bygones’ exchange I could now relax. 

* The boys’ names have been changed.

The illustration is a photo of hands being shaken to ‘make-up’. On the left is my hand, on the right, Charlie’s.

For helping me write this blog, I would like to thank Carolyn, Jacob, ‘Charlie’, ‘Freddie’, Peter, Rohan and Vivien.